*131*3#

Mobiles!
I’ve followed all the little diagrams to put in a new Sim card, in faith because people say that’s cheaper. The phone doesn’t work when I test it by ringing Beverly. I ring MTN (that’s who we’ve ‘migrated’ to now. At first (and second) try, I go round the automated merry-go-round with tons of information I don’t want and some I can’t understand.
Beverly has a listen and tells me to try option 5. She is right, as always, and I finally get through to a person. I explain my plight. She explains what the problem is and I don’t understand her explanation. Take it out. Put it back in. Switch it off. Switch it on. Put in the pin. Pull out the pin and throw the phone through the patio window into the heaving Atlantic Ocean. Hide under the duvet and wait for the explosion of a man on info overload.
She is very patient, though I can tell that her boss is over her shoulder breathing call quotas at her. I slow her down for a second explanation. No, the Sim card number is not the phone number. You need to put in:
* 131*3#.
She says it slowly, then more slowly and loudly, like talking to a deaf man. That does the trick and I with great joy I twig what she’s saying. Bring back the pips and Button A, that’s what I say.